What happens is, I have to do everything, and so every little thing I do feels worthless, it feels like I'm wasting my time, and so I do nothing, I actually waste my time. Actual wasting of time is much more fun, it involves touch typing games and Snood and napping and catching up on tv and my netflix. Actually, it is not more fun. It makes me feel worthless, but what is strange is that so does school work, because anything I do is so little in the scheme of things. I am Jonah in the whale, it is too much.
What makes the school work feel even smaller is that LIFE is approaching, you know, jobs and bills and so on, and I am doing NOTHING in that capacity. I am not doing it, because I have come to believe that I am totally unhireable since my last stint of job searching. The only jobs I feel capable of applying for are the ones that literally anyone could get, and those just will not do anymore, won't pay the bills. I need something big time, but I don't have any skills. All of my skills lead nowhere. I have no extracurricular activities in grad school, nothing for my resume, just a year shelving books and two years of terrifically interesting but professionally useless classes, and no one no one no one to vouch for me, to account for what I've been doing and say that I am a worthwhile and responsible human being.
And that is what I've been afraid of saying all this time, and what has kept me paralyzed for days and weeks and months. But the truth is, the best I can do is try a little, just look around, ask around, get my resume out there, even if it's embarrassingly inadequate. Because truthfully, I think I would be awesome at anything. oh, except for teaching, which is the one thing I've supposedly been preparing for, but even that, I could be awesome at, just give me a few months. It is just that those beginner mistakes are louder when you're a teacher, they happen in front of other people over whose lives you would like to have a bit of influence, so it is embarrassing, but I know, you have to make them, you have to start where you are. Anyway, you can't spend all your time thinking about the terrifying consequences of not finding a job and falling down a well of debt and turning homeless, especially not when you still have months to apply, you just gotta go for it, the big and small, apply everywhere. Somehow, somehow, it will be alright.
6 comments:
Thing 1: I will always vouch for you.
Thing 2: You won't be homeless as long as I own a futon or a couch or have a few spare feet of floor space.
Thing 3: You made Kierkegaard make sense to me when the professionals failed.
What I like about you is your awareness of yourself. People like you are successful. Not just a little bit successful either.
My two cents: It doesn't matter so much what your first job is or your second, because they will not limit you. Let the transition happen however it happens (work wherever the opportunity takes you) and then continue to be extremely successful for the rest of your life.
i may have abandoned xanga...
Thanks, Beth. I really appreciate all three of those things :)
And thanks, Phil. I'm trying to find that balance between knowing my first job won't define me and not getting stuck in something I will hate for the rest of my life. It's tricky, but hopefully, it'll work out.
Abi, yeah, I think everyone has. I still post over there sometimes, but only a couple friends and Dr. Melton read it. Oh well.
this is in response to the blog you have now hidden: if you decided to write some books, i would read every word. and not on a friggin' kindle or on google books...i would buy every single one and thumb through them and fold down pages and underline things. you have beautiful things to say.
Ha. Thanks. Maybe I will repost it. I had morning after remorse, but a little affirmation makes everything all better.
Love you.
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