Pageant Speak

Becca makes fun of me, because she says I've thought about this way too much. To me it just seems obvious. What was great about Miss South Carolina last year was that she was employing several classic pageant pointers, in the most obviously stupid way possible.



1. Say "U.S. Americans." This shows that you understand that people in South America are Americans too, and are therefore culturally aware.

2. Do not say "like." When you think "like," insert "such as." even when you are only thinking "like" as a filler, because you have no idea what you're talking about and are floundering.

3. Preface everything you say with "I personally believe." This shows that you don't take your opinions to be absolute truth for everyone, and it also shows that you have convictions. Even when the question has nothing to do with convictions.

4. Most importantly, show your big big heart for those less fortunate than you around the world.

The problem, of course, was that the question gave her no venue to show her big big heart, and so she scrambles to find a way to make herself appear both smart and big-hearted with an obvious question. Sadly, she accomplishes neither.

Here is another great example of pageantry gone embarrassingly wrong.



You hear: universal healthcare.

You translate: POLITICS

You know nothing about politics.

Give your answer you were going to give if they asked you about politics. Be sure to make reference to your wholesome upbringing and strong moral sense.

It made no sense and had nothing at all to do with the question? DON'T WORRY. The key is to sound confident. They will reward you for your poise and "utmost conviction."

Here is an example of pageantry gone AWESOME.



Walk sexy.

You fell. FUCK.

Show 'em you can bounce back. Smile, pause, gain your composure. WIN THEM OVER! WIN THEM OVER!

And she succeeds. That's what it's all about, ladies.

I COULD BE MISS AMERICA.