Turned a Corner

This is frightening to say, but I think I need to speak it. or write it or whatever. I've hinted at it elsewhere, so sorry if it's redundant.

Something crazy has happened with my emotional health: it has stabilized. I was pretty sure this would never happen. I've been going through a phase of trying to ignore why this is happening and just be thankful that it's happening, but I think it's time I acknowledge it. It's because I don't believe in guilt anymore. That can't be true. But I don't feel my own guilt anymore. If you need me to hate myself, or to think something I've done was bad and wrong and mean-spirited, I can do that, no problem. I am a pro at that sort of self-interpretation. What I have observed as I've stepped away from that kind of self-interpretation is that it perpetuates itself, and for me, it actually stunted growth and halted change. Once I started to acknowledge good motivations in me, that while yes, maybe I did want to pray for that person because I hoped it would make me look like a better person, I also genuinely want to help them, once I acknowledged these better motivations, they started to grow. For some reason, focusing on them makes the bad ones shrink, and it actually enables me to act from good motivations. It is the craziest thing, and it makes it harder for me to see myself as a bad or guilty person.

I say the stupidest things sometimes. This summer, I have made a friend whom I absolutely adore. I want to do whatever I can to give her life and health and hope and joy and to help her preserve and grow the magical thing inside of her that makes her like she is. But, for some reason, she doesn't get jokes a lot of times, and I always laugh at her about it. You might even call it making fun, what I do. It hurts me that I do this, and I'm not sure why I do it. This is an example of how I am stupid, clumsy, but I don't think it means I'm totally depraved, deep down evil, guilty before God, always fiendishly trying to exalt myself and tear down others. It just means I am not perfect in the way I relate to people. Maybe it even means I think I'm better than her for getting jokes. So what if it means that? Once I recognize it, I realize it's absolutely untrue and unfair, and not representative of the way I want to treat my friend, and so I stop. Guilt doesn't even enter the equation. You might think Jesus doesn't enter the picture either, but you'd be wrong. Jesus is the one who's shown me what it means to love, who's shown me the beauty and value in people, and who has put the love in me.

I could go on a lot longer, and maybe I will another day. Two closing thoughts: 1) Christians have learned to think of themselves as guilty, for whatever reason, and we know that guilt is ugly and a person can't live with it for long, so we've come to think of Jesus as the one who rescues us from guilt, so we don't have to deal with it. But deep down, we're still guilty. Here's how: if we like ourselves, we're only supposed to like Jesus-in-us. But that is not really us, is it?

2) Also, what would you think of a guy who never let his friends screw up? If his friend missed a dinner appointment one night, the guy would be infuriated and demand that blood be shed to rectify the situation, repay the debt incurred. Come on, that would be ridiculous. I don't even care if he's a king, if he's the most powerful, perfect person in the world. If he is that powerful and perfect, you'd think he could be a little more forgiving. What's it to him? This is the guy we make God out to be when we talk about how he can't tolerate any sin. no spot or blemish! If I were to try to cultivate this sort of nitpicking in my own life, I would be a pretty miserable person. What does it mean when we make God out to be so many things we would never want to be?

If you don't like this, or are worried about these ideas being in my head specifically, you can blame Irenaeus and Nietzsche.