Feminism II

9/19/06
Goodness, this group is taking over my life. Sorry I keep talking so much. But there is so much to say!

I don't want to assume things, but I feel like you haven't read what I've said. Unless what I said was a grievous and immature overstatement of what I meant. Please go back and read this whole conversation, and hopefully, that will clear things up.

Yes, woman, you are beautiful and unique. If you have heard me say that you need to abandon your beauty to be in truth or to be a feminist, you have misheard me. What's a shame is that you believe that to be beautiful and unique, you have to be what Christian culture tells you a woman ought to be. There are other ways to be a woman. and oh, they are all beautiful.

And fine, I'll say it. Those same roles you fill that make you feel beautiful and unique, they have a dark, dark underside. I know you don't see it! And I know you don't appreciate me presuming to point it out to you. But it is there, sure as can be. I have seen middle-aged women who've devoted their whole lives to living up to what they think a woman ought to be, pouring out their lives for their children, becoming experts in housecleaning and hosting parties, only to be belittled by their husbands, who are the keepers of the "real" knowledge of the world, politics, theology, economics, etc. I have seen effeminate men absolutely hate themselves for liking shoes and hugging and cyndi lauper. I have seen women, intelligent and capable women, who are just too beautiful to be taken seriously, in the workplace or in everyday life. I have seen beloved friends starve themselves nearly to the point of death trying to be the kind of beautiful a man wants to look at. I have seen men who think they can treat women like their sexual property. Oh, and I have seen SO MANY women who have quietly and subconsciously been taught by their culture that they are a little less human than men, that their opinions matter just a little less and are probably wrong, that they cannot be whole people without a man to latch onto, that their only hope in life is to be a trapped housewife or a cold and worn out businesswoman, and on and on. And oh, if you could see the face of my mother, the sweet, innocent weeping of a woman who feels her life ended the day her youngest child went to college, who always majored in pleasantries and now looks back on her life to see a lifetime of vacuuming and baking. And that, Candace, is what THIS is about for me.

As liberated as we're going to be? Friend, you seem to suffer from an underdeveloped vision. We have got a long way to go. Are you beginning to see? Please tell me you're beginning to see. Surely you have seen the same thing, because these women are everywhere. They are most women. Have you never felt the pain that what you say holds a little less weight than what a man says? Do you not hear it? That is the loud and clear message of patriarchy; men call the shots. Men control the world; women are their "helpers." as Simone de Beauvoir called them, "the second sex."

Sorry if I sound angry. I am angry, but not at you. I'm angry at whatever it is that has wounded my good friends, my mother, my fellow human beings, and myself. For every one of those women and every one of those men, I stand against patriarchy. I stand and say that it is time for a change. There is much freedom yet to be realized. If you want to hold on to those traditional roles, if you feel comfortable in them, that is fine. That is wonderful! There is a place for that in feminism. But you must see what is happening around you, happening inside of you. This country's women are far from free. All of us are. And the last way to see freedom is to speak out against the others who are recognizing its absence and trying to usher it in.

9/22/06
Sorry I haven't been able to respond sooner. I haven't had much time to spend online lately. It seems that "Michael" (who will heretofore be referred to as Caleb) has picked this conversation up, so I'll let him respond.

But I wanted to say that it's not only the "alternative" methods to family that "consistently produce instability and dysfunction." The patriarchal model is no cup of tea either. If producing stability and ...non-dysfunction are what it takes to win your approval, then you might need to rethink the patriarchal model. Men physically and emotionally abusing their wives and children, alcoholics, divorce, men NEVER considering their wives' best interest, chauvinistic exercising of authority over the rest of the family, unfair division of labor within the home, and on and on. My parents barely speak to each other, though, thank goodness, they're still married in the traditional line of things. Most people I know their age barely speak to their spouses, if they're still married. Even those people who look so happy and healthy on the outside, those fine upstanding lovable Christian families, most have a tragic dark side, maybe where the woman feels restricted and trapped in the role she's adopted. And guess what, friend, this isn't a recent development in the patriarchal family. When given unchecked power or authority, most people abuse it. And what does that tell us about the relationships within a hierarchically ordered society? Maybe that they're necessarily oppressive. If nothing else, they're often unfulfilling.

But let's get this straight. For goodness sake, you are not the enemy, Nathan, and Caleb and I are not your enemy. For us, patriarchy is the culprit, plain and simple. You think it's redeemable; I think it is by definition oppressive, and therefore, in need of deep revision. Can you please explain to me how it is not oppressive to have a MAN OVER a WOMAN? All you've done so far is say "It is by no means oppressive." Ok. I flatly disagree. You say its problems are "dysfunctions." I say they are necessary outcomes of the central principle of patriarchy. If what we are seeking is equality, how will man-over-woman EVER land us there? What a shaky place to start.