Lovely Day.

Sigh.

Today, I have gotten to spend several hours with two of my very best friends in the world. Both were on the phone. I feel much better now. Two delightful phone calls, and one moment of self-discovery. It has been a lovely day, indeed.

I think it's weird how much I depend on relationships, on the stability and security of relationships, when they are always changing so much. This has been a recent discovery about myself. I have always known that I relied a lot on relationships, that I sort of define my identity around them, that I feel not ok if I don't have a few really strong ones. It was just recently that I noticed how inconstant they have been in my life. If you were to look over my life, you would think I'm a nomad, when really, I'm more of a settler. I just move a lot. Usually, I stick with a few folks for, say, 2 or 3 years, and then I move on. Not really move on. But I shift. And even though most of these ties aren't at all permanent, they are deep enough to define me. That seems strange. The shift, though not deliberate, seems to make my life more colorful, divide things into nice, identifiable segments. Sometimes, it makes me worry that something in the way I relate to people puts a time limit on my ability to appreciate a person, makes me worry that I won't be able to find it in me to really commit to a person forever. That will be a tricky thing, indeed.

Not that I'm planning on abandoning any of my friendships, if that's what you're thinking. I do have several forever friends, BFFFL4LIFE-ers. I'm just saying, the people that I spend the majority of my time with, those people change every few years. The high school folk are mostly long-distance these days. Lots of the college ones, too.

Do you even remember Debbie Gibson? Seriously. I remember absolutely loving her. Don't ask me how, but somehow, I ended up looking her up on iTunes just now, and I seriously don't recognize a single song of hers. What is that about.

The thing I discovered about myself, talking with Jaime, is that I spend the majority of my interactions trying not to bother other people. I want to be just what they want. not say stupid things, not talk when we're not talking, be funny when we're laughing, thoughtful when we're serious, always juuust right. If I deviate from this, I feel shots of panic and failure shoot through me. That is a waste of life, I think. It usually keeps me a step back from ever actually engaging in anything. I am ready to shed this self-awareness. to just be. Yes, that is what I will do.