TRANSITIONS. For some reason, the word clusterfuck has been coming up in a lot of settings around me lately, and I feel it would also be a pretty apt description of my life. Family issues, money issues, school issues, faith issues, life direction issues, time management issues, relationship issues, identity issues, and I'm crying. There is just too much change and uncertainty and loss and failure piling up in my life, and I just can't take it. Every single area calling for my maturity, and I just don't have any. What happens when you JUST CAN'T TAKE IT? Some of these trains could be stopped, potentially, but not most of them. The most stressful one, really, is school, and it wraps up a lot of the others in it too. But I won't let myself quit school. It's just a mental impossibility for me.
Today, I just broke. just crying uncontrollably, like a baby, because there is nothing else to do. I just don't have it in me. A friend sat and held my hand and talked calmly to me for an hour and a half, and it didn't help at all, because there is no solution. Nothing will make this better. Any redirections will have lots of consequences. I decided last week that all I can do is all I can do and that will have to be enough. But it is not enough. It is not. So what happens when your life zings you to the floor in total failure? Game over? Jennifer Whitson: failure at life. 56,000 points, blinking at the bottom of the high scorers chart, in last place. Because life's demands don't relent. Things put off today are squeezed into tomorrow and become even more insurmountable. What a mess.
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