Our unhuman friends

Let the record show, here on this 21st day of June 2008, that I am NOT a pet owner, or a pet sitter. I love pets for petting, playing, rolling around on the bed and so forth, but I will never let my life be controlled by such a tiny creature. My canine housemate, Dunk, is a good friend of mine, and I certainly want only what is best for him. But his insistence on being entertained at every waking moment, his immediate and persistent whining upon being sentenced to bedtime, and his nagging moans and charades hinting that his bladder and bowels are full, followed by a STUBBORN REFUSAL to relieve himself once outside on a leash, FILLS ME WITH RAGE. To be honest, it makes me want to beat him and yell awful angry insults at him. And a house filled with awful angry insults, whether they are coming from my mouth or not, is not one I wish to participate in. Of course, I restrain myself, but entirely out of respect for his mother and caregiver, my peaceable and most patient roommate, Bethany, who is out of town for the weekend. But sometimes, dogs need yelling. Sometimes, it's all they understand.

I remember pet-sitting for the Statons, Chelsea and Samson were the dogs' names, and it was one of my favorite weekends of 2006. They were old, and we slept late and watched the Matrix trilogy and M. Night Shyamalan movies, while I ate Totino's pizza, the whole weekend, just the three of us. When they needed to excuse themselves, they politely informed me, and I opened the sliding door for them. No problem, I could do it in my sleep. If I could have Chelsea and Samson, maybe I could be a dog owner afterall. But I won't risk it.

It's just, as a woman with the possibility of child-rearing ahead of me, there are so few years of no attachments and freedom guaranteed, and why would I spend any of those years creating attachments and boundedness for myself WITH SOMETHING THAT'S NOT EVEN THE SAME SPECIES AS ME? and dysfunctional attachments at that, attachments that infuriate by necessity. I can't understand why anyone would knowingly do this to themselves.

Bethany, come quickly.